Hold the funny...if only for a day

I try to live life on the humerous side...I've come to find, things don't seem quite as disappointing with that frame of mind.

Thanksgiving.  One of my favorite holidays, just for the pure simplicity of it. Where expensive presents aren't expected to be doled out of sacks beneath a glittering tree, and just being together with friends and family means something.  If only for a day, everyone takes the time to give thanks for what they do have; no matter how small it may seem. 

But also, give thanks for the battles you lost, that promotion you didn't get, the tribulations you've been through, the job you haven't found, the lack of funds in your account, the chores left undone, the mountain you had to climb, the loved ones you've lost;  for all these things are what makes you who you are...not when life is being kind to you!

We live in an "unfeeling" world.  Where no one wants to get involved, where children go hungry or hurt on a daily basis, where the color of one's skin is still judged, where everyone is selfish and only looking out for their own welfare.  It saddens me, but one day out of the year I see a glimmer of hope....Thanksgiving, and yes, it's enough to get me through another year.

So, by June I'll of passed the 4th grade 5 times...

Evidently, I need 4th grade science projects assigned on a weekly basis, because I have absolutely NOTHING else constructive to occupy my time otherwise.  Laundry, dinner, taking care of four needy children, and running a business must be frivilous activites by some teachers' standards.  And unfortunately, some must be sniffing massive ammounts glue if they believe the children are contributing at all to these elaborately schemed projects.  But alas, if I had a class full of rude, unappreciative, rowdy 9 year olds, I'd be sniffing anything I could get my hands on too!

So far this year I've become well versed on electricity, how many different types of penguins there are in the world, how to build an underwater diarama, how to write a classified ad for a giraffe's habitat and many other world stopping tidbits of knowledge.  I have no idea how I functioned as an adult without knowing all of this beforehand.  Blasphemy! 

Here is my bucket list of things that children these days need to be versed on before we unleash them in to the world unattended:

-  How to correctly figure the amount of time it takes for your check to reach the bank, in relation to when your deposit goes through.  Also known as Check Floating 101.

-  How the police never seem to think it's as funny as you do...appropriately called Sucking Up to the Po-Po 112.

-  Exactly how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?  Ok, maybe this isn't imperative...but I'd like to know the answer!

-  How chewing gum in class greatly reduces the brain's ability to absorb information...it must because it's been beaten into every child's head from the moment of conception that gum chewing in class is not tolerated!

-  The art of spontaneously thinking of random excuses when Jehovah Witnesses ring your doorbell at an ungodly hour on a Saturday morning wanting to come in and "discuss Jesus with you."

-  How to feed your family of 6 on less than $100/week...formly known as Urban Legends 100.

I'm sure there are more, but I need to finish my "conserving electricity" project that's due tomorrow!

Face meet palm....

Southern Halloween.  Where in every small town, parents sit on their grand, wraparound porches,as the sun sets, sipping mint juleps poorly disguised as sweet tea, passing out candy; gayly wrapped in festive cellophane bags with color coordinated curly ribbon tied neatly at the top, with an occassional "bless your heart" thrown in for good measure.

*Imagine truck slamming on brakes sound effect here*

Now, let me welcome you to our town's version...

One house on the entire block passing out candy, on their once grand, wraparound porch.  Angrily and loudly commenting on the lack of Halloween candy-passing-out participants; while our stellar, upstanding neighbors are languishing on their own once grand, wraparound porch.  All the while slapping potted meat on crackers and making no attempt to disguise their Old Milwaukee's Best.  They seem to take pleasure waiting until a poor attempt of Superman, an unknown Disney princess and some escaped clown from Ringling Bros (I heard their retirement package was lacking, so it's understandable) finally summoned the courage to walk up the path to their house to announce "We ain't gots noes candy to pass out....goes next door!"

Why did I think it would play out any differently?  Why did I envision every porch light on, and neighbors happily chitchatting while anxiously awaiting a new group of bedazzled, giggly, my-mother-stayed-up-all-night-to-complete-my-costume clothed children, skipping down the sidewalk to see what the next house is passing out?  Maybe  I read about it in a book (yes, a book...not a hunting catalog), or saw it in a movie whose director obviously was as dilusional as I am?

Even the rosy cheeked, giggly children don't put forth an ounce of effort here.  There is no color on their cheeks and I didn't hear one giggle all night, and you can forget about hearing "trick-or-treat" (we have a town full of mute children it seems).   The actual costume has become completely optional, and there isn't any trick-or-treat bag to be seen when you use your school backpack, or a triple bagged "Walmarket" plastic bag...."Hello Einstein...you're not going to need that triple bag protection when only 1 out of 50 houses are passing out candy...but...Bless your heart!"

Damn it!  I wanted a Norman Rockwell moment...if only for one night!!  And the sad part is I'll have the same illusions of grandeur again next year....